As I read, I remember why I haven't updated or bothered with livejournal.

Haven't written in here in dayyyysssss.
Santa Barbara is chill. I love Brooks. My math teacher is a douche, go figure.
I spend my days at school and studying. I want to finish this fast. As much as I love it so far
i just want to get through it all because at the end I'll be with Eric. That's all I'm looking forward to.

I realized the other day when I had an hour to kill before class that I was offically alone down here.
Yes I have two room mates. But honestly what does that mean? They have each other. As stupid,
harsh, whatever that sounds it is the truth. I can have the choice of spending my time at the house
alone in my bedroom and study or I can spend it downstairs a lone in a chair while Emilie and Nic cuddle
on the couch. Sorry guys but if I'm going to feel alone I rather actually be alone and do it with some kind of
productivity.

30/30 on my math homework. Bomb!

Eric was here this past weekend. It was aaamazing having him here. It was a relief. I miss him so much.
I miss spending everyday with him. I wish I could come home to him after a day full of school.
I just want to be with him. Friday night he mentioned how he didn't want to leave. I held back on crying
until we got back into my room. I had forgotten something. I don't know what it was. The fact that he
was leaving so soon or the fact that he doesn't live with me and we will both be back on our own?
The part I hate is not knowing when the next time I'm going to see him. I'm negative 50 dollars in my account
and I don't know what homework is going to look like the next few weekends in order to plan to go see him.
I hate it. I hate not knowing when I'm going to see him next.

Sometimes I forget that I don't have a family.
As bad as that sounds. As I'm packing my car today I'm getting angry.
Angry that not one of family members is here to help me. I'm doing this alone.
Like so many things before. Just this once it would be nice to have one of them here.
Sometimes I wish it could be like everyone else who is having at least one family member helping them.
Waving them off and saying goodbye.
Not me. I'm packing my car alone. My dad, I don't know where he is.
My sisters, one is getting her hair done the other, I don't know. My mom, out to eat with her sponser.
I'll be leaving today with no one waving goodbye. Nothing.
Sometimes I forget that I lost what it's like to have a family in the 6th grade.

you haven't even been gone a full day and i already miss you.
i'm scared for santa barbara to come. i don't want to miss you more then i do now.

I can tell you today where I was a year ago.
Chain smoking outside of Standford hospital.
I can't stop thinking of how sunday was the year anniversary to where I sat on the side of my dad's bed
telling him that he shouldn't be talking the way he was telling me how he needed to write a will and me telling him
how he needed to stop and how he is suppose to walk me down the isle and and for when the day comes to watch his grandkids grow.
Theres nothing like leaving once to get clothes to stay at his house and when you come back for dad to be in induce coma
with the worst of worse thoughts running through your mind and hard to look at him for fear of having to say goodbye.

Mom,
You're the best at putting on a mask. How do you do it?
How do you talk, eat with, sit with, sleep with a man you plan on leaving in september?
I see you pretending to be happy, but I can see the truth in your eyes. He's a fool for not being able to.
Don't you know, mom, that it's a bad thing to wear a mask? Don't you know it's not fair not
to tell your youngest daughter anything? Don't you know, she already knows it all. Probably not.
She learned how to throw on a mask. A mask better then you. A mask she learned from watching you.

..can sometimes be different from what you really are.

Dear Andrew,
You fucked me over. I've gotten over the heart break.
I've gotten over what could have been, what was, what could never be.
But I'm not over the damage that you caused. I don't know how long that will take.
But I hope it ends soon because it's an endless war in my head each week.


Dear Jaysen,
What happened to you? What happened to our friendship?
I guess I can somewhat guess. You let the drugs take over.
You didn't want to see in my face or hear in my voice the disappointment.
So you pushed me away. So much you still are doing it over two years later.
I miss my best friend. Call me back, text me back, message me back.
Don't let the drugs throw our friendship away.
This is the last plea.


Dear Mikey,
Break up with her. She is a bitch. Plain and simple.
She fucked you over. Yes it was your choice in the end but she brought
the meth back into your life. I know it was her who brought the heroin.
You're clean once again and doing sober living, good. But she is still in your life.
I know she's not finished with drugs. I know the chance to do them will come up
to easily if you stay with her. If you stay with her, you'll end up back in jail.


Dear Josh,
I'm sorry I have yet to send the notebook.
Hands down, I am a horrible pen pal.
But you come back to California soon, woo!


Dear Cody,
I'm so glad you are dating again. It at least means you are somewhat trying.
But I can tell you're still not over it all. But whose fault is that?
Who didn't take the chances? This time around I wouldn't be able to take that chance.
Not after when even your best friends would call me your girlfriend that
you had sex with other girls. My rational side let me forgive you.


Dear Dad,
Seven years later after the divorce I realized you may have never loved my mom.
Do you know what that does to me? At least I can pin point and accept the issues
that I get from it as in having troubles trusting but do you understand how hard that is?
No I don't think you do. After all it was you who did the cheating.
It was your bad for telling me Costa Rica how when you kiss Dorthy you see fireworks and
that you never felt that with my mom. Gee, thanks dad! On mom's fault, she should have
never told me how you said life would be easier without a wife and a daughter.


Dear Mom,
Once again you're back in out patient rehab. Maybe this time you will stick to being sober?
The whole situation is kind of stupid if you ask me. LEAVE HIM ALREADY.
You're not happy and he doesn't respect your kids, so why wait till september?
I'll go to one of your meetings with you but I can tell you right now that I do NOT one to go.
Only because of last time at the age 14 and going how people in the group gave me shit
for not noticing how you were an alcoholic. How was I suppose to know when I've always
been used to my parents drinking every night?
I'm not looking forward to this meeting and I'm only going in hopes of maybe you will stick
with it and I know it means a lot to you.






As for everything else, I must say I hate when people act like they know me.
Even the ones who do. I like to prove people wrong once in a while and surprise them.
But what I hate the most is when people who I've never met in my life act like they know me
just by things they've heard from other people.
You don't know me, you never will, stop acting like you do. Because what you have possibly
heard may not be true.
Everyone is judgmental but some people just cross the line.

I have a new journal. I have yet to decide if I want to add people to it or not.
Possible not to save other people and myself from drama. It is, after all, a journal for a reason.
This will probably be used for bullshit rants on nothing.
So long.

Okay I'm going to make this quick and short because I'm at work.
Anyways I got "conditionally" accepted to Brooks Institute of Photography.
Meaning I pretty much got accepted they are just waiting for all offical documents to get in.
September 2008 I'll be living in Santa Barbara.
I'm finally getting out of here. Getting away.
Starting my life.
The best part..you will still be in it. I'm excited for what the future holds.
Not only for Brooks but for us.

Other news put my two weeks into Buca.
Now that is something to party about.
I start at starbucks at tennant next moonday!

Will write more later.

I'm only 20 pages into Beautiful Boy.
20 pages into this book and I can't stop thinking.
My mind is swirling around with addicts that I know.
Swirling around memories of watching meth being snorted by
an old friend, an old friend losing their life (not dying) because of meth,
my ex doing meth and changed because of weed, my best friend doing
coke (he says he isn't but who knows, he said in the first place
he would never), friends addicted to alcohol, my own mom back to drinking,
my sister overdosing a few times when she would heavily drink and luckily failed at committing suicide, my own dad coming close almost a year ago to losing his life because of drinking.
20 pages in and I can't stop thinking about this.

First things first. Even though things are amazing the itch of
needing to go on the road to anywhere is coming back. I'm really restless.
I just want to go anywhere. I don't know what it is. I don't know why
I get this way (not that it's a bad thing or anything) I just don't
understand why I can't be here to long. Other than the fact that it is
Santa Clara County.


I joined this community it's so sick! I love acronyms!

LYU
My interpretation -
Laughable Yaks Underestimate
Luscious Yetti Union
Love Your Unitard
...I'm slowly going crazy.

I wrote Eric a card last night.
I'm horrible at telling him and explaining to him the way he makes me feel.
I just never know where to start.
So I wrote it down. Wrote, wrote, and wrote.
I wanted to write more but in the end I had to start writing on the back of the card.
And you know what? There's still so much I want to tell you.
So much you make me feel. But there's not enough paper, not enough ink
to write it all down.
Saying I like you so much is becoming an understatement.


I had an interview yesterday via phone.
The interview was for Brooks Institute of Photography. The interview
was only 15 minutes long.
I find out next week whether or not I get in.
Keep them fingers crossed!

For the first time, I want my phone to be stolen, broken, dead.
I am tired of receiving the same texts over and over and over again.
I am tired of explaining to you that we should just be friends.
But I guess like I had posted previously maybe it's too late.
I am tired of having people who I guessed they were my friends and
get text messages from them asking how I am when in all reality they
could care less, they are only texting me to see if I respond to them.
It's obscene.
“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't
own it, but you can use it. You can't keep
it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it
you can never get it back.”
You have lost it. Stop arguing with me when I tell you it's not going to happen.
Why won't you just give up like everyone else?
I stomp my feet, throw my phone in frustration at this.
Is it bad, selfish to say that I hate that because you want something
now and when I wanted it, it never happened? Selfish to say what about when
I wanted something out of this?
But now..now I don't.
I was telling him where things started to change..
"In you 'not being the best guy' after things got more complicated and intense. I also wished that I could have been enough that you wouldn't have done anything with other girls. Or even the thought of me would be enough for you. Because you were for me, but I wasn't for you."
"At the time I didn't know what I was thinking, but now I know. It was wrong, and now i really need you."
"So you want me because you need me?"
"I didn't mean that, i want you, i like you a lot.."
"And by the way I was ready for you to move down."
Oh, thanks for the approval. !!!
Is it too hard to grab onto the concept that it is too late?
Despite what you may think I don't like that it's too late. I hate that it is.
But you know what? It is. And now I have found someone.
Someone I really really like.
And for the first time, I can't relate the guy I like to Andrew.
Do you know how good that feels?
How good it feels to finally be utterly happy? To be smiling and laughing constantly?
Do you know how good it is for the first time to not doubt a single thing in a relationship?
For the first time a guy makes me cry because of how happy he makes me.
And the way he talks to me and says about me are the nicest things anyone has told me.
Eric got to really know me and who I am in less then a week.
Can you even tell me what makes me who I am today?
No you can't.
You can't because you never took the time.
It's over. I am done.

Do it.
Get your friends to do it too.
http://www.gopetition.co.uk/petitions/save-polaroid-film.html

I feel like writing.
But I'm not too sure what to write about.
About a boy who makes me unbelievably happy?
Or about a boy who won't stop texting me because "I'm on his mind more than ever, because he feels like he wants to call me when I wake up in the morning, because he wishes I would move there."
It makes me angry. Frustrated at this. Why now? Why realize this now?
"I don't know, because it takes me a while to realize something I don't know."
Behind all the anger there is a sadness scratching at my eyes.
But I won't let the dam break.
"Well whether or not I feel this way, I guess I lost my chance."
Yeah. You did. I hate that you did.
But at the same time I'm glad you did. As harsh as it is I found someone better.
Someone who doesn't have to say a word, do a thing, and I will have the widest smile on my face.
Someone who treats me better than you. Someone who makes the time stop.
Someone who literally takes my breath away.
Someone who the word remarkable belongs to.
Someone who makes me satisfied.
For once the feeling is not one way.
I feel selfish for saying it isn't fair. But it isn't.
But on who's part? Mine, yours, or both?
I don't want to make you out for being worse then you actually are.
I don't want you to do that about me.
I want you to stop texting me your appetite for my presence, your lust for me now that I am no longer there.
If I was what you really wanted, you wouldn't have realized it a year later.
I just want a friendship, but sometimes that's too much to ask.
Sometimes I think it's too late for that.